CHAPTER EIGHT

“Why don’t you ever get wet?”
“My job is to instruct. Your job is to swim.” Rachel walked along the side of the pool in her flip flops while Tracy and the other girls completed their warm up laps. Every few minutes she would glide her foot through the water. She could never be this close to a pool and not go in.
Tracy stopped swimming and started treading water. “I think it’s about time you feel how refreshing this pool is.” Tracy pulled her hand back, threatening to splash Rachel as she continued walking.
“If one drop of water touches me you’ll be doing extra laps, breast stroke.”
“After all these years you’re still no fun.” Tracy glided forward and resumed her gentle strokes inline with the other six girls on the team. Rachel had been coaching her since she was nine yrs old and the other girls almost as long. They were all Grade 11 and 12 students now. Though they were silly sometimes, when it came to the business of swimming they didn’t mess around. They held three national records to prove it.
Rachel continued to run the girls through various drills until 8 pm. As they were getting out of the water Rachel noticed a young man outside the exit door. When Rachel spotted him he stepped to the side. The giggling that was coming from the girls as they headed toward the change room told her that something was going on that she needed to investigate. She walked towards the door and opened it. “Hi, can I help you.”
“Waitin’ for Tracy,” he mumbled. Rachel raised her eyebrow and quickly processed what she had just taken in about this boy. Extremely baggy jeans rolled several times over untied sneakers, bandana hanging out of his back pocket, another one on his head, two ridiculously oversized t-shirts, at least three earrings, and tattoos travelling from his knuckles to his neck.
You can wait a little longer. Rachel thought. She slipped into the office and called Tracy’s mother. “Hi Mrs. Taylor. I’ll be driving by your house, would it be ok if I give Tracy a ride home?”
“Ofcourse, but I thought she was planning to go for pizza with some friends after practice.”
“Somehow I think she’s had a change of plans.” Rachel replied.

Rachel entered the change room just as the girls were getting dressed. Silence fell on the room as soon as she appeared.
“Tracy, I just spoke to your mom. She’s expecting me to drive you home. I’ll be out in five.” Before Tracy could answer Rachel left to get ready. Not on her life was she going to let one of her girls leave with that. What was Tracy thinking? The guy couldn’t even put a sentence together.
How Rachel wished she had someone to look out for her when she was that age. Girls just had no clue the kind of fire they were playing with. It’s all fun and games, until you’re left holding the dirty end of the stick. No matter how you warned them, every girl thought she was the exception. Rachel knew that from experience.

Later that night Rachel rocked herself in her chair. She often sat and looked out her window when she needed to clear her head. The night sky, moon and stars had a soothing effect on her. She loved the sounds of the night; the insects, the wind whistling through the trees, dogs barking and cars in the distance.
She had dropped Tracy home earlier and lectured her all the way. Tracy had told her that Troy was no one special, just a guy from the neighbourhood. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about. These girls had no clue.
Rachel hugged a stuffed bear that her father had bought for her before she was born. She always held it when she wanted to feel close to him. For weeks after his death the bear still had his smell. Then one day she picked up the bear and could no longer smell him. The last real part of him was gone forever.
Her room was still decorated as it had been in her childhood. Soft hues of pink and purple dominated the space and in one corner of the room a huge mound of stuffed animals reached half way up the wall. The wallpaper was white with tiny pink flowers on it. Rachel remembered when her parents had decorated her room.
It had been a surprise Christmas present one year. In all these years she hadn’t changed anything. She still slept in a single bed. Many nights one or both of her sons would come to her room. They would all sleep together, or Rachel may leave them in the bed and spend the night in her chair.
It was late and she couldn’t sleep as usual. She had so many thoughts running through her head. She hadn’t told Fatima everything. She still had to go back to the doctor. The ultrasound had shown old scar tissue. The doctors were not sure how it would impact her reproductive health. Tears streamed down her face. She thought about her sons and Jamie and all that she had lost because of him. She knew that it wasn’t his fault. She had made the choices, but it had just been so hard. Everything in her life felt so hard.

Outside the street was quite. They lived on a long street that ended in a circle. It was great for the kids and felt very safe. There was one way in and one way out.
She tried to remember her father’s voice, the way he used to talk to her, read to her, and sing to her. Life had been so different after he died. Naomi had never been the same. The night that her father died was the last time Rachel had had a mother and a father. She had been orphaned on her 10th birthday and she had refused to celebrate another birthday since.
She had refused to leave the gravesite on the day of the funeral. Even though it had been raining she had stayed. She was only 10, but her mother had respected her decision. Fatima had insisted on staying with her. Ali’s parents had told Naomi and Dana, Fatima’s mother, to go back and take care of the guests at the house. Mama and Papa agreed to stay at the cemetery for as long as needed. They understood death and loss in a way that few others did.
They had stayed for hours in the rain. Rachel had wanted to pray for her father and Papa had encouraged her to do so. Those memories were so bitter sweet. She had suffered so much, but the comfort, support and strength she had garnered from the Abatis was unlike any other. Whenever she was in need they were there. She had never returned to the cemetery after that day. She couldn’t say good-bye twice.
She often wondered how her life might have been different if she had had her father or even her big brother in her life. Would Jamie have pursued her as he did if he knew that she had men looking out for her? She didn’t think so.
Ali had disapproved of Jamie from the start and the two had had several confrontations as a result. Yet Rachel had been weak enough to still let him through. She suspected that one of the reasons he usually came around at night was to avoid Ali. Only when Ali was travelling did he make daytime appearances and then with a lot of bravado attached to them.
Rachel hated those times the most because then Joshua and Jonah would see him and they would be so crushed when they didn’t get the attention that they so craved from him. After his departure Joshua would be sullen and withdrawn and Jonah would start having nightmares again. This time his nightmares were not connected to a visit from his father and Rachel did not know what to make of that. She wanted to heal her sons, but she didn’t know how to heal herself.
She hugged her bear tighter and rested her face on the animal’s now wet head. Some days she felt so scared. There were so many things she wanted to do, yet she felt blocked. She saw herself free from Jamie and living a life that utilized her talents and skills. She also hoped for a family of her own with a good role model for her sons. She knew that there was no reason for it, yet she couldn’t get through the wall that seemed to stand between her and her ideal life.
She thought about her boys and wondered how they would grow up to be men without their father. She feared what they would think of her if they ever found out what she had done.
The decision to terminate the first pregnancy had been made quickly. She had been a teenager and stressed out and all she knew was that she could not tell her mother. She had just wanted her life to go back to normal. She had only told Fatima about what was going on.
Of course Fatima had begged her not to do it. Fatima had not been married yet, so Rachel doubted that Fatima could even begin to understand what she was dealing with. Fatima had begged her to talk to Naomi. Rachel had refused. That would have defeated the purpose. She didn’t want her mother to know. Naomi had enough stress to deal with. Rachel would not put an added burden on her. She had turned to Fatima instead, but had not taken her advice.
She had thought about talking to Ali, to get the male perspective but she would have been mortified if he had known the truth. Still she felt if he had told her not to go through with it she may have listened. She remembered that during that time they had all taken a road trip with some friends. She had been very sick and Fatima was very attentive. Ali must have been concerned because at one stop when everyone had left the van to get food he had stayed back and asked her point blank, what was wrong.
“I’m sick,” she had replied.
“What kind of sick?” he had countered. His hard stare had really unnerved her. She had no reply. She had been saved by the other passengers returning to the van. She knew he must have considered all the possibilities but in the end there had been no baby so she assumed he had laid it to rest.
After everything was over Rachel had been surprised that she didn’t feel back to normal. Babies haunted her. She saw them everywhere and within a few weeks she was consumed by guilt. The due date of her baby became an obsession and when the day came she decided that she had to have another baby and she had to have one with Jamie. She knew it would not be the same baby, but she had to know what a possibility would be.
Unfortunately she had not realized that she had a problem. She didn’t speak to anyone about her feelings. She didn’t understand that she needed help in dealing with unresolved feelings.
Then Fatima got married and began travelling with Ali. Rachel had felt so alone. When Fatima became pregnant with Masuma Fatima was ecstatic. Ali hadn’t planned on starting a family so soon, but he warmed up to the idea quickly and was as happy as Fatima was. It was all too much for Rachel. She was pregnant almost immediately after Fatima had made her happy announcement. Joshua was born three months after Masuma.
Jamie had only visited Rachel once after Joshua’s birth. When she realized she was pregnant again she felt like such an idiot she couldn’t tell anyone. That’s when Jamie had started coming around incognito. Ali had promised that if he ever saw him in the neighbourhood he would make sure it would be his last visit. They all took him seriously. No one ever told Ali about Jamie’s visits when he was travelling.
The fourth pregnancy had completely caught her off guard. She hadn’t paid attention to the fact that she was feeling strange, and when she realized what had happened she was already three months pregnant. She thought seriously about what to do. She sat many times in this same window watching the street and imagining what her life would be like if she had a third child out of wedlock.
She was so ashamed. What would her friends think of her? How could she do this to another child? What if it was another boy? Oh God, what if it was a girl? She couldn’t handle it. Yet, she had promised never to do again what she had done before. Jaime had known about the first abortion and he had abused her terribly for it. He had called her a murderer on many occasions. All of that had stopped when she had Joshua.
She knew that no matter what she decided, she could not tell him what she had been considering. Then he had come by that night a few weeks ago and she had tried to tell him. He was shocked at the suggestion. He didn’t even want to hear that she might be pregnant. If she was, he had said, there was no way he believed it could be his child. He accused her of terrible things.
As she remembered she pressed her hands against her ears as if that could block out the memories of his harsh voice and stinging words. She had decided right then and there that she would not have the baby. She was not going down the same road with him and she was not going to regret it this time. She would just move on. Still she was devastated that she was in the same position again.
She looked out at Fatima’s house. When the lights went out she knew it was safe to go outside. She needed some fresh air and she couldn’t take a chance that Fatima or Ali would see her out alone that late. She placed the teddy bear back on her bed. She would wash her face and apply light makeup, just to feel good.
She laughed when she looked at herself in the mirror. “What’s the point? Who’s going to see me?” She asked herself. She quietly checked on her boys and then her mom. They were all sleeping peacefully. She tiptoed into the sometimes creaky hall and down the stairs.
Outside the cool night air snapped her back to the present. The wind whistling through the trees reminded her of a sad song. She pictured some gothic creature moaning as the wind carried them from tree to tree and she wondered why she so often felt driven to come out during the night. She locked the door and when she turned around to step off the porch her breath caught in her throat.
“Jamie,” she said breathlessly.
She felt her heart thumping in her chest and she held the railing to steady herself. She was terrified of him, but she was not going to let it show.
She lowered her head and asked evenly, “What are you doing here?”
He smiled easily. “I was in the neighbourhood. I came to see how you’re doing.” He was tall, about six feet. Rachel looked past his broad shoulders to the street. She didn’t see his car. She was quickly trying to think about the best way to get away from him. He was strong, she knew that, and each time he came around he seemed stronger. He had become obsessed with working out in recent years. The stairway was not too wide and his body blocked her escape on one side while he held the opposite railing with his hand.
“I’m fine as usual.” She tried to push past him, but knew that she could never do it if he did not allow.
“Not so fast. Where are you off to?” he asked, his voice laced with charm.
“I’m going for a walk. Now move.” Her voice didn’t sound as strong as she wanted it to. She looked past him at the garden that Ali had planted. Why did he have to be so regular? She thought. She wondered if she should scream. It had not been that long since Fatima’s lights had gone out. The street was quite. She was sure they would hear her. No. There was no reason to panic yet. Everything would be fine.
“You look a little thin compared to the last time I saw you. You stressed out or something?” His eyes travelled slowly form her face to her feet and Rachel had to shake to throw the chill off of her.
“Yah, single parenting will do that to you. Excuse me.” She grabbed his wrist. It felt like steel. She wondered what would happen if she grabbed his pinky finger and pulled it right off. Ali had always told them when outmatched by an opponent that they should not try to match strength but be prepared to attack weak spots.
“Slow down. Aren’t you going to let me in?” He stepped up one level.
Rachel glared at him. He was dark. She could see he had recently shaved his head and his dark eyes were piercing. Some would say he was handsome. She knew the other side of him and she didn’t want to deal with that now, not when she was barely coping with all that was on her mind tonight.
“Why in the hell would I let you into my house?” She surprised even herself. She had to start building her courage sometime.
Jamie was visibly taken aback. She had never spoken to him like that before and he obviously didn’t like it. He was used to getting his own way and he was going to come out on top one way or another tonight. He grabbed her face and squeezed it between his thumb and his four fingers. She could feel the sweat running down the back of her neck and tears burned her eyes. She would never give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.
“You better watch your mouth, understand me?” He let go and slapped her face not too gently. “You know if I decide to go in you can’t stop me.”
Rachel put her hand to her face to stop her jaw from trembling. “The boys are sleeping,” she said in an almost pleading voice.
Jamie stepped closer to her. “That’s why you’ll be quiet.” Rachel clutched the railing so hard that her circulation cut off and her knuckles turned yellow.
Suddenly Jamie let out a short laugh. “I’ll give you and your nasty little attitude a pass tonight. I understand why you’re feeling a little out of sorts,” he sneered.
Rachel could feel her heart in her throat. Her breathing became strained. The cool breeze on her sweating body caused her trembling to intensify. What did he know she wondered? The seconds felt like minutes. She was frozen. Her body was so stiff it ached. She waited for him to continue.
“I guess you heard the news?”
“What news?” she asked, confused.
“Oh, you didn’t hear? Well it’s all over the internet. Seems the almighty Ali has finally taken a fall.”
Jamie let go of the railing and stepped back. He knew she wouldn’t go anywhere now.
“What are you talking about?” She started desperately searching his face as if she could pull the answers out of him.
“Seems like good little Ali is only good when he’s at home. On the road is another matter.”
“What do you mean?” Rachel was started to feel angry just hearing Jamie say Ali’s name.
“Apparently he has another kid out there somewhere.” Jamie leaned casually on the railing.
Rachel gasped. She would never believe it, and certainly not coming from Jamie. “Shut your mouth. You shut your dirty mouth!” She almost screamed at him, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jamie glared at her, but he was enjoying this too much to get angry. “Ok, see for yourself. He pulled out his phone, found a news site online and shoved the screen in Rachel’s face.
“Oh, my God.” The article confirmed what Jaime had said. “You loser, you came here just to tell me this. What are you?”
“He’s not looking so good now is he? Or maybe only to the likes of you.” She knew Jamie was holding back laughter and she just wanted to smack the smug look right off his face.
”I don’t believe this. This is garbage.” She pushed the screen away from her face. “It’s a lie. I’ll never believe this.”
“Whatever you say, babe. But keep watching. This show is going to get good.”
Rachel’s head was reeling. The letter from the lawyer, this must be what it was about. Fatima had not mentioned anything. Rachel wondered if she knew about it, yet. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God,” she kept repeating.
She turned to look at Jamie. He was reviewing the article and smiling. “What do you know about this?” she asked him.
“I know he’s finally going to be put in his place, that’s what I know.” Jamie replied. He was smiling from ear to ear.
“Get out of here.” She spat the words at him.
“With pleasure.” He backed down the steps. “But I’ll be back. You just remember who’s running things around here.” He turned and walked toward the street.
Rachel let out a nervous laugh. “Sure, that’s why you parked down the street?” She knew she had said too much. She was still trembling, but after the things Jamie had said about Ali she didn’t care. She would put herself at risk to defend him any day. She knew he would do the same for her.
Jamie whipped around at her comment and Rachel swore if he had not been so far away that she would have received a painful reminder of what it meant to cross him. He stood for a minute and the two of them stared each other down. Then he laughed and walked away.
His car was parked at least 150 metres up the street. She watched him walk away and when he got close the car started up. He had not come alone. She shuddered at the thought of being outside in the dark night with more than one thug at a time.
When he drove away she collapsed in a chair on her front porch. What was going on? It just seemed like everything was spinning out of control. Now this news about Ali; she didn’t know what to do with it. She definitely couldn’t sleep now and it would be hours before she could call Fatima to ask her what was going on. She just curled up in the chair and waited for the sun to come up. She would call Fatima at the first light of day.