Rachel transformed when she got into her workplace. She was dynamic and in control. She supervised an office of 12 people, both full time and part time customer service personnel. Though most of them were older than her she commanded respect and was well liked by all. Today she worked just as efficiently as usual, but her thoughts were on the events of the last 24 hours and her friends, Ali and Fatima.
Fatima had not told her but she knew that Ali had been away on Friday night. She did not believe that the law suit had any validity to it. Still something was going on. Something was not making sense. She felt like she had to help them. But how? There had to be way. Fatima was about to deliver a baby and she didn’t need this stress right now.
She thought about the wedding invitation. It would be great to hang out with both Ali and Fatima again. It rarely happened these days. Maybe she should let them take the boys. They so loved being with Ali.
She really needed to think about pressing charges against Jamie. She knew his aggressive behaviour could escalate. Her greatest fear was that he may attack her or harm her in front of the boys. How would they ever heal from that? She couldn’t bear it if her sons witnessed any harm coming to her or violence and aggression from their own father. She was sure that would be the final straw. She would snap. Did she want to wait until that point?
Naomi had been pressuring her to press charges against Jamie for some time. Rachel wasn’t sure why she hadn’t done it. He was her sons’ father. She did not want to be the one to bring him before the law. She knew it would not be her fault, but still she couldn’t bring herself to initiate the process.
“Hi, Rachel.”
“Hey, good morning Jasmine.” Jasmine was one of the women who worked in the office and was five months pregnant. Rachel couldn’t stand the sight of her. She was always bringing in baby books and showing everyone what she had most recently bought for her baby. Rachel could not even walk in the direction of Jasmine’s desk.
In less than five months she would have had her own baby. It seemed so unreal. Strangely enough the first pregnancy was far more vivid and real to her. That child would have been older than Joshua and Masuma. She wondered about that child a lot. Who it would have been and what would have happened to her life if she had had that child, or even if she had healed properly after that loss.
“Rachel. Rachel?”
“Oh yes, sorry about that. You were saying?” Jasmine was motioning to the phone.
“Line three,” she said. Rachel handled the call and returned to her work.
Thoughts of Jamie kept creeping into her mind. What was he up to? Why was he bothering her so much lately? Rachel worried about what would happen if Ali knew he was coming by, or if the two of them got into a confrontation.
There was something Jamie had said that night that really bothered her. “This show is going to get good.” The whole visit was odd. It was really eating her. Rachel definitely knew there was more going on than what appeared on the surface. She had to do some investigation. She picked up the phone.
The morning flew by and too soon it was lunch. “Rachel are you coming with us?” One of the workers asked her.
“No, go ahead. I have an appointment. I’ll see you later.” Rachel gathered her belongings straightened her desk and headed downstairs. She was going to get to the bottom of this. The elevator opened and she stepped out. She was searching inside her handbag for her phone and almost ran over the woman standing in front of her.
“Oh, I’m sorry, pardon me.” Rachel looked up and stared into the face of the nurse from the hospital.
“Excuse me, you’re Rachel right?”
Rachel cocked her head, stepped back and rested her weight on one leg. “Who’s asking?”
“It’s ok honey, I just want to talk to you. I’m Brigitte, the nurse from the hospital. Remember me?”
How could she forget? “What do you want with me?”
Brigitte looked around shaking her head of thick curly hair. “Can we sit somewhere? It’s about Jamie.” Her light brown eyes shifted nervously.
Curiosity and anxiety mixed together. “Sure.” Rachel replied. Brigitte followed as Rachel walked outside and found a private place to sit.
Rachel listened in shocked outrage as Brigitte told her story. She couldn’t believe this. She knew Jamie was low, but this. It was too much. Rachel sat in stunned silence. “Why did you come and tell me all this,” she asked Brigitte the nurse.
Brigitte smiled. “I don’t know. I just liked you for some reason. I’ve seen your boys around. They’re beautiful. I just thought that you deserved to know.”
“Thank-you.”
Brigitte got up to leave. “And Rachel,”
“Yes.”
“Jamie knows about the abortion. I’m sorry.”
Time stopped. Rachel did not even see when or how Brigitte left or what direction she went in. She felt dizzy and nauseas and weak all at once. Jamie knows about the abortion. Jamie knows about the abortion. What was she going to do? She wanted to scream, run, hide, anything to get away from this. “He’s going to kill me,” she whispered to herself.
The rest of the day passed by in a blur. For the first time Rachel could remember she did not want the day to end. She did not want to have to leave the office and face the real world and what she was sure would happen next.
Jamie had people following Ali, Brigitte had said. He was trying to find something on him to use to discredit or slander him. That’s why he knew about the paternity suit so quickly. That’s why he was in the neighbourhood so often.
He had been following Rachel too. He was trying to build a case that she was unfit so he could take her sons from her. He wanted to prove that her mother was unstable and her friends and associates were unsavoury. Why? Why? She knew he didn’t want those boys. He just wanted to get back at her for not wanting him. “Oh my God, what am I going to do?”
She got into her car and drove. She had no direction, no purpose. She was almost surprised when she ended up at the cemetery. It took her 20 minutes to get out of the car. She sat clutching the steering wheel fighting the urge to just put the car in drive and burn out of there. She had not been here since the day her father had died. No one had.
Her brother and sister had moved away and her mom hadn’t been able to bear it. Rachel closed the car door and slowly walked toward the plot. She wondered if she would remember where he was. She did. It was like a force pulling her and as she walked her pace quickened.
She found him just where she remembered. The day was so clear in her mind now. The rain. The people. Her refusal to leave. Fatima and Mama and Papa staying with her for hours while she cried and prayed. Now she was back. He had a head stoned now. She had never seen it. ‘Dearly Missed’ it read.
“Oh Daddy you will never know, how much.” Rachel moved closer. “Daddy, I’m here. I am so sorry I left you. I am so sorry I couldn’t come back.” Rachel started to sniffle. She had left her bag in the car so she had nothing to wipe her face. She sat on the grass beside the grave and noticed for the first time flowers on the two sides of his headstone.
She looked around at the other plots. Some had flowers and decorations, others didn’t. Obviously loved ones had left them, but none of them had come back there to visit her father. Who would have left these? Two beautiful bouquets of spring flowers framed the grave. Rachel smelled them and immediately her spirits were lifted. Her father would have loved them. He always loved Naomi’s garden. Rachel remembered that. He preferred to plant vegetables himself, but he did admire Naomi’s devotion to her plants. Rachel guessed that the flowers had been there for at least a week. Still they were holding up pretty well.
Rachel thought about the flowers and how everything in creation had a life span. Everything living eventually would die. Flowers. Plants. Animals. People. That was what they called the circle of life. Then why was it so hard to accept. Why couldn’t we just move on? If death was a part of life then why was it so unbearable?
“Daddy, I’m hear. It’s Rachel. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I can’t imagine you under the ground so far away from me. I can’t stand it that I can’t see you or touch you or hear your voice. I remember all the care you gave me when I was little. You worked so hard to take care of us.”
Rachel remembered the times he went to work with only bread and butter for lunch. Or opened his wallet to give her or her older siblings his last dollars for some school event or something else they needed.
“You sacrificed so much to give us everything you could. You encouraged me when I was down. You held me when I was sad. You stayed up at night with me when I was sick.”
Rachel moved closer and closer until her face was next to the headstone. “Then in your last moments you were alone. I wasn’t there to take care of you. You gave me so much and I gave you nothing. I did nothing for you. I did nothing for you.”
Rachel broke down crying. She placed her hands in the dirt in an effort to get closer to her father. She wanted to hold him so desperately. She needed him so much. She told him everything that had happened to her since her tenth birthday. She told him about Jamie and the babies. All of them. She told him about Fatima and Ali and about how scared she was about her future.
“Daddy just tell me what to do. Please, Daddy just tell me what to do. I am so scared. I need you so much. I’ll do whatever you say please, please help me Daddy.” Rachel sobbed until her chest hurt. She forced herself to catch her breath. As she continued to stroke the dirt around the plot she felt the first drops of rain. The soft rain turned to heavy rain and Rachel stayed. She sat and talked to her father until it got dark and then she went home.
When she pulled into her driveway she remembered. “The daycare. Oh no.” She shut off the engine and ran into the house. Joshua and Jonah were inside the house eating cookies and playing board games. When Rachel entered they jumped up and ran to hug her.
“Mommy you’re dirty,” Joshua said.
“It was raining.” She pushed the boys back and called for Naomi. “Mom! Mom!” Naomi came out of the bedroom. “How did the boys get home?” Rachel asked her mother.
“When you didn’t get them the daycare called. I called Fatima and she sent Ali to pick them up.”
Rachel stood in the same spot, unable to move towards her mother. “I’m sorry. I just got caught up and I didn’t notice the time. I forgot to turn my phone back on. I’m sorry.”
“Are you ok? What happened?” Naomi’s voice was full of concern and sadness.
“Nothing, I just had to do something that’s all. Did they have dinner?”
“Yes, I cooked. They’ve had everything. You just need to put them to bed.”
Rachel clapped her hands. “Let’s go guys, bedtime.” Rachel needed to talk to someone and she didn’t have that much time. She quickly put the boys to bed and turned into her room. She had been in such a hurry to send them off that she had not even changed out of her wet clothes.
Now she peeled off her clothes, showered and got dressed in clean clothes. She put on a pair of khaki cargo pants and a red stretch knit top. She had no time to dry her hair. She combed it back and secured it with a headband. There was so much she needed to say and this might be her only chance to do it. It was Monday and Fatima had a night class. She wouldn’t be back for maybe another hour.
“What should I do?” Rachel sat in her chair and rocked herself as she thought. She looked at the clock and it was already past nine. Fatima’s kids would be in bed by now. Rachel started to pace the room. Back and forth. Back and forth. Then she decided.
“Ok, Ok. I’m going.” She closed her bedroom door behind her and called to her mother. “Ma, I’m going out for a minute.” Then she left quickly before Naomi could ask her any questions.
She crossed the street to Fatima’s house. When she stood in front of the door, took a deep breath and rang the door bell. “Oh, shoot. I’m going to wake the kids.” When Ali opened the door she almost forgot why she had come.
“Sorry about the door bell. I know the kids are probably sleeping.” She tried to keep her hands from moving too much while she looked up at him.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry.” Ali waited for Rachel to say something else. When she didn’t he said, “Fatima’s not home.”
Rachel shifted. She knew she must look a mess. Her face was still swollen from crying and her eyes were red. “Yah, she’s at her class right?”
“Mmm, hmm.” Ali nodded slowly.
“Well, I just really needed to talk.” Ali didn’t move from the doorway and he wasn’t encouraging her conversation either. She was starting to feel very awkward. “Where you busy?”
Ali couldn’t help but laugh. “What’s going on Rachel?”
“I just needed to talk. Could I come in?” After she said it her face started to burn with embarrassment. She had never been in Fatima’s house in her absence. What would Ali, think?
Ali narrowed his eyes. “What happened?”
“I can’t talk like this.” She shifted her weight from one leg to the other.
Ali lowered his head slightly. “Where is your mom?”
“She’s home. I can’t talk to her about this stuff.”
Ali looked over Rachel’s head. “Let me see if my mom is home.”
Rachel couldn’t take anymore. She knew she was making a fool of herself. She was standing in front of this man’s door, begging him to let her in and he wasn’t budging. She was distressed, confused and scared and all she wanted was to talk to her friend. She was boiling with embarrassment and didn’t care what came out. “I don’t want your mother!” she yelled.
She couldn’t tell if Ali was surprised by her or not, but he remained still. “Please Ali?” She couldn’t look at him anymore. After an awkward pause she turned and ran down the stairs.
“Rachel.” Rachel stopped, but didn’t turn around. She was too humiliated.
“Come.”
She turned around and could see that Ali had stepped aside to allow her to enter the house. She looked around the street, slowly climbed the stairs and walked through the doorway.
Ali stepped away from the open door. “No more outbursts. If you wake the kids I’m throwing you out.” His face had softened and it made Rachel feel a little better.
“I’m sorry. Thanks so much.” Rachel took a seat in the booth. Ali poured her a glass of water, pulled out a stool and sat across the kitchen waiting for her to speak.
Rachel sipped the water and thought about what she wanted to say. It was so much she didn’t know where to start. “I’ve been thinking about my father a lot lately. I think all these years I just tried to block it out, but now I can’t. It hurts so much I just don’t know what to do.”
Ali listened without saying a word.
“It seems like no matter what I do. I can’t get it right. Even when I try, just one little mistake and it seems like I’m set back in a huge way. I just don’t know how to get control of my life.”
“What do you want?” Ali asked her.
“I don’t know.”
“That’s the first problem. So how will you get it?”
Rachel thought about the question. “I guess I just want to be happy. I just want to feel normal. I want to feel something other than this pain.”
Ali rubbed the back of his neck. “Rachel, I don’t know if I’m the best person to counsel you.”
“I don’t want a counsellor. I just want a friend. Remember that? We were friends once, Ali.”
“I understand your feelings of loss,” Ali said, ignoring her last statement. Rachel knew that was true. Ali never spoke about all that he had lost in Rwanda, but she knew most of his family members had been killed.
Ali continued. “Death is just a doorway in our life. We all have to cross it at some point. There are no guarantees as to how long we’re going to spend on this side.” Ali paused then continued. “It hurts us when we lose people we love, but the relationship doesn’t end. It just changes.”
They’ve done what they came to do. We have to fulfill our own purpose. We do the best with the time we have. In the end we have to answer for our life, no one else’s.”
Rachel tried to process what Ali had said to her. “What if I feel confused? What if I don’t really know what to do? Where do I start?”
“Focus forward. Give value to the world. Put your energy into something positive. Start there.”
Rachel didn’t know what she was really doing here; in Fatima’s kitchen. Why had she really come? Ali couldn’t help her if she didn’t tell him everything. She knew she wasn’t going to tell him about Jamie. She was terrified about what could happen if Ali knew what Jamie was up to.
“Easy for you to say, you’re happily married.” Rachel took another drink of her water.
“You could be, too.”
Rachel stopped with her glass in mid air. She had never really thought it was possible for her to be happily married and she had never realized that she thought that way until now.
Ali continued, “I know your father is gone and you miss him, but he’s not the only man that can love you.”
Rachel was speechless.
“Love didn’t die with him. It’s all around you. Start with those closest to you; your mother, your sons. If you don’t learn to love them properly how can you love anyone else?”
“I do love them.” Rachel was insulted at the suggestion that she didn’t love her family.
“Really? How do you show it?” Ali shook his head. “Rachel, if this is how you love people, who would want to be next in line?”
Ali’s words were stinging. She had come for honesty and she knew he would give it to her. Rachel looked at the kitchen clock. It was ten to ten. Fatima’s class finished at ten. She had one more question to ask and this may be the only chance she would have. She only hesitated for a second. She had to know.
“Why did you choose her?” Rachel’s voice was barely audible. Indeed she couldn’t believe she had really gotten the words out, but she had to know.
“What did you say?” Ali wasn’t sure he had heard correctly.
“What is it that made you marry Fatima?” She kept her eyes on her glass. Part of her wished she could crawl into the glass and drown, but she was relieved that she had finally gotten the question out.
“Are you serious?” Ali folded his arms across his chest.
Rachel glanced at the clock. “Yes. I am.”
Ali lifted his chin speaking slowly. “She’s smart. Beautiful. Funny. Kind and honest. She is the best listener and she understands life the way I do.” He paused. “Enough?”
“So which of those do I lack?” Rachel wanted to strangle herself, but she couldn’t stop now.
Ali closed his eyes. “Rachel, come on.”
“Ali, please. Who else can I ask these things? You are my friend, my best friend in the whole world. Please just tell me.” She couldn’t believe that she had come this far, but she wasn’t going to turn back.
Ali rested his elbows on his knees. With his hands clasped together he rubbed his forehead against his knuckles as he thought about how he should answer her. “None.”
“What?” It was almost a whisper.
He raised his head. “None of them. You don’t lack any of them.”
“Then why did you choose her?” Rachel tried to keep her voice from cracking.
Ali thought about the impact his words would have, then very carefully he said, “Until you value yourself no one else is going to.”
“Oh. Wow. You really take honesty to another level don’t you?” Rachel covered her face with both her hands. She didn’t know whether to feel happy, insulted, relieved or grateful that he had told her the truth.
Ali smiled. “That’s what friends are for.” He stood up and moved toward the door. Just then there was a soft knock. It was Sister Charles. “Oh you must be Ali; I met your wife at Naomi’s.” She held up a pie. “I believe this is your favourite? I promised Fatima I would bring one by when I was in the neighbourhood. I saw the lights so I just thought I would try. Otherwise I would have left it with Naomi.”
Ali took the still warm strawberry-rhubarb pie from Sister Charles. “Thank-you. Fatima’s not home yet. I’ll be sure to let her know that you stopped by.”
Sister Charles looked behind Ali to see Rachel sitting at the table. “Oh my, Rachel, how are you? You’re so quiet sitting there.”
“Good evening Sister Charles.”
“Is it still evening?” Sister Charles looked at her watch. “Oh my, it’s after ten. Time flies.” She peered over her glasses into the kitchen. “Well kids, good night.” She threw another glance at Rachel and then quietly left.
“Great. She’s going to tell my mom that I was here.” Rachel started to feel embarrassed all over again.
“That’s the least of your worries.” Ali said as he placed the pie on the table and headed towards the stairs.
“Funny. Aren’t you going to offer me a piece?” Rachel asked
“Help yourself. I’m going to check the girls.” Before he reached the top of the stairs Batool was there. “Daddy I’m hungry.”
“Do you want some pie?” Ali moved up the stairs towards her as her eyes lit up. “Auntie Rachel is in the kitchen. She’ll help you.” Ali told her.
“Where’s Mommy?” Batool rubbed her face.
“She’s not home yet. Go on.” He continued past her to the bedroom to check on Masuma and Laila.
Rachel and Batool enjoyed Sister Charles’ pie and Rachel got ready to leave. She kissed Batool good night. “Go up to bed and tell Daddy I left.” Rachel stepped outside, closed the door behind her and walked across the street to her house. Just as she was opening her front door she saw Fatima’s car turn into the driveway.
